Been a Long Time Comin'...

It's been well over a year since my last post, and clearly I've had so many lessons in learning to love myself that were MORE than post-worthy. It wasn't "should I write about this or not"; it was more that it takes me a long time to process all the stuff and to be totally honest, I was very overwhelmed and at times depressed. There, I said it. I don't feel like I have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of; on the contrary, I needed to make it to the other side of some of this stuff before I could write about it. Some stuff had no end in sight at the time, and man, it was too much. And at some point during my silence, I learned I wasn't the only one and lots of us--with or without lupus--are struggling emotionally, physically, spiritually...honey, all of it.

So, I'll break the next few posts up into "chapters", so it'll be more about the event/topic, and spanning over the last two years or so. There'll be some overlap in the timelines of the chapters, but it's ok. It's a personal blog, not an attempt at a pulitzer :) And just like all things, when I'm able to write, I will; when it's difficult, I'll take care of myself first (look at that growth, honey!)

The Power of Intention

Today, it hit me: I have set a very specific intention for wellness and everything is lining up to support it. How awesome is that? My reboot was to refocus me and invite healing into my life and within days of setting that intention I have found workshops for wellness, healing, a friend helped me with the juicing and more.

It lets me know I'm doing the right things for myself. Tonight I went with another friend to a sister circle, and I was just going because she asked -- I didn't read the email or anything. (I've been working on getting out the house more.) The circle was around our food choices and "what's eating us". But more importantly, I was in a room of 16 women who looked like me who were on a path to wellness. Folks were in different places, but all going in the same direction. How inspiring. We talked and shared, and something came to me: my spirit can be fed anywhere I choose. Anywhere I choose! That is soooooo amazing, especially after having trauma with organized religion. Part of last year's depression was not feeling I had safe spirit space, or that I could ever again have that kind of community. But I can choose! I can choose what works for me, and where I want to have it! That is so beautiful. I am so grateful. I have so much to look forward to, as well as be present for.

Doors are opening. Goodness is around me. My heart is opening again. And no matter how I may physically feel, that is definitely a cup of healing in my wellness pie :)

So much to say...

The last few days have been very quiet and meditative. I have been very reflective, and my dreams have been too. I keep looking back to where I was last year, and somehow cannot believe how broken and how much despair I felt then. It was the single most overwhelming feeling I've ever had in my life; mainly because there was a great deal of accumulated pain--things I had tried to deal with and felt unsuccessful in my attempts. I couldn't face people, I felt very vulnerable and completely raw. I had recused myself from the public, as I felt tapped out of all emotion--I couldn't watch the news or listen to gory/horrific stories of human cruelty. I was questioning so much, I also didn't feel as if I had any faith to pull on for support through this time. It indeed was an extremely dark time in my life.

But the body, like when you get a cut or burn, wants to heal itself. It always wants to heal itself. But it seemed like so much to recover from, where would I start, how would I get back to any semblance of joy--especially when everything felt like too much? I had to do it in little bits, meaning I had to let go of the idea that I would take care of everything in one fell swoop. I focused on little things like: "today I will go to therapy"; "today I will drink water". For a while, it really had to be that small. And everyday rolled into another; somedays were good, and some days were very tearful. And I just kept at it. Kept going to therapy. Kept watching comedies. Kept resting. Kept crying. Kept hurting. Kept drinking water. Kept trying. Kept asking for support when I needed it. Kept dreaming. Kept questioning. Kept cleaning. Kept writing. Kept working. Kept quiet. Kept to myself, until I got here.

Here is the butterfly breaking through the chrysalis. The time it takes to get through what the "night" has been about. Cracking the shell, and coming out different than you went in. Looking different, having a different skill set, and having a different function in society. Here is a gift. Because here, I understand my limitations, but I also understand my strengths and gifts. I can readily accept that there are things and people that I don't understand, and don't always need to now. That. is. huge.

I am grateful for this reboot, it's got me back in the kitchen; I'm making and experimenting with goodness. Feeding myself fresh food, good food, full of nutrients. My body appreciates it. My mind appreciates it. My heart appreciates it. This is why the reboot is so good, and came exactly when I needed it. I am deeply grateful.

yay!!

Happy times! The reboot has been so good for me. I can feel my brain working better, my body feels more energized and although I still have some stomach cramping, I feel better overall. I probably lost another 5lbs too. And even though it's not about the weight loss, I feel like it is helpful for my joints--especially my feet. They actually haven't been swollen since I've started, not like they normally are. Feeling better makes me want to continue for sure. Energetically, I feel better--emotionally. That's why I'm so excited. It's very different from where I was last year. Very different. Thankfully...

ugh...

My stomach hurts. I anticipated this would happen with all the cleanses I have done in the past; so I'm definitely not surprised. I mean, I'm cleansing alright. I really have been laying low for the past few days, and I feel my body healing. I've had some swelling go down in my left knee, which has been chronically swollen for about two years. My joints don't hurt so much. My eating has gone down, as I'm not hungry (due to higher nutrients). In the future, I will continue with the veggies (both cooked and raw) as well as whole grains. I just had to retrain my palate. The good news is, my body immediately remembered how I used to feel when I had a better diet. So that's awesome.

I think there was a point when I gave up. When everything was just too much. Not just with my health, but where my life was and how things had panned out. Everything I have been doing for the last year and a half has been to reclaim that joy, that love and that hopeful glow that I had before. Rebuilding isn't easy. And sometimes, yes, we do give up. But the beautiful thing is that I have the power to re-engage in my own life, my wellness and my future. No one needs to do that for me. Yes, I do need support; I reach out for it and have learned to accept it. Overall though, I am the one who has to put on my shoes to walk this journey. And I am, still one step at a time.

High Steppin...

Okay! So I'm on day two-ish of my reboot. It would be three but I had some mac n' cheese from Soul's restaurant around the corner from me. So I went to the grocery store (thanks Dad) and got veggies, a few juices and some nuts. I also got a few things for raw desserts - because that's how I roll. Thursday I had apple/spinach/parsley/aloe juice. Yum. I did eat some food though, but that's okay; I realize that I'm an emotional/anxiety eater and I need to ease into not eating. Compassion is always key with me. Did that Thurs and Fri with small meals: sauteed spinach or zucchini with brown rice.

Yesterday, I went to Psalm's and she juiced enough for me to have juice for three days. Awesome!! I was a bit achy yesterday and even last night so I did take a naprosyn, because I hate being in pain now. I think I spent so much time toughing it out, that I actually hate being in pain now. Go figure. But, I actually have digressed from my original point. I have the juice from Psalm; this is going to make it much easier for me to take more juice in and get the food cravings down because it's already in there.

I feel brighter inside, more alert. My body definitely is grateful for the boost in nutrition. I can feel it. I'm just dreading the upcoming "release" that comes along with cleanses (if you know what I mean), but I'm prepared/stocked up as I should be and am keeping an uber low profile until it happens. Definitely don't want to be in public when it hits :)

See you next time :)

My Plan

So this year, I'm planning a reboot. There are a few reasons that it's important: 1) Setting a tone for a new phase in my life, I'm starting my master's this fall and want to have a clean slate. 2) My body could just really use a gentle cleansing flush/reset. Lastly, it's just being able to do some clear steps that I can control.

So my plan is simply this: Clean the house, have a 3 day juice fast followed by a week long raw food diet; then incorporate cooked veggies and whole grains. All this starts after August 1st. Why August 1st and not right now? (Now being July 24th.) 1 main reason: my classes that I teach aren't over until July 29th. Working with the kids is a wee bit stressful and I need to be done teaching so my body will have that time to recuperate.

I'm going to be working with my good friend, Psalm Lewis who is now a certified Living Foods Chef. Her food is exceptional and I definitely feel the healthful energy her food brings to my body.

So, I'm looking forward to it, and will be updating you soon.