When you've had the man you love tell you that "You would be a good woman if you didn't have Lupus", or "I think you're just walking like that to get on my nerves", there are some serious things you have to confront when it's over. First, you have to acknowledge that those words were lies; second, you have to undo the behavior you adopted to be in a damaging relationship.
One of the worst habits that I picked up during that relationship was masking my need for help/support. I never wanted to be a bother to him, or "get on his nerves" with my limp as he had put it. I felt like I didn't want to "embarrass" him with my health. So there were many times I needed help and support, both physical and emotional, and I hid it.
The hiding got worse as our relationship went on and I began to hide these same needs from my more nuturing relationships with family and friends. This means when I couldn't really walk, I wouldn't tell them; if I needed help in and out of the shower because most my joints were swollen and in pain, I wouldn't even call my family - who were all more than willing to help.
This is one of the reasons that this walk was such a cathartic part of my healing process. For one, I revealed myself and am releasing the shame around letting someone be so hurtful, as well as shame around just needing support in general. I am learning to deal with myself much more compassionately and that means letting the people that love me in.
The Walk gave space for people who know me, but may not be particularly close a chance to root me on and contribute. This was helpful because I may not want everyone to see me at my most vulnerable, but I can accept their support and well wishes for a greater cause, without "feeling sorry for me". That's very empowering for me.
It also helped me let those that love me show up. Sometimes, I'm so ready to "tough it out" and think I have to be this "superwoman" because, well, I just should. My mother told me she was coming to the walk, and leading up to it, I kept telling her that if she couldn't make it, it would be okay - in an effort not to be a burden. But when I saw her, both my sisters and my nieces walking towards me, I just started crying. It meant so much. To take that journey with them and my best friend, Darice was so heart-warming.
We all laughed, talked about both serious and silly things. I took breaks when I needed, and let them cheer me on. My mother kept checking on me to make sure that I knew I could stop if I needed to. I wanted to go the whole way, and cried a little when I had to accept that I wouldn't walk the whole 3 miles, even though it wasn't my initial goal. But I had made it twice as far as I had set out; so I was reminded of that by smiling faces.
The Walk was great to practice the balance of accepting support and exercising my independence. It made me realize that even though folks don't always know or understand what you go through, people that love you want to help. In life, it's just as important to allow yourself to receive the love that's got your name on it as it is to give it. It's what makes us human, and keeps us alive.
I've learned so many things about myself in the last month; some truly invaluable lessons in humanity, love and compassion. Lessons that I will truly carry with me as I continue to grow and shine with those I love and who love me. I am extremely grateful, and look forward to walking again next year.
