So much to say...

The last few days have been very quiet and meditative. I have been very reflective, and my dreams have been too. I keep looking back to where I was last year, and somehow cannot believe how broken and how much despair I felt then. It was the single most overwhelming feeling I've ever had in my life; mainly because there was a great deal of accumulated pain--things I had tried to deal with and felt unsuccessful in my attempts. I couldn't face people, I felt very vulnerable and completely raw. I had recused myself from the public, as I felt tapped out of all emotion--I couldn't watch the news or listen to gory/horrific stories of human cruelty. I was questioning so much, I also didn't feel as if I had any faith to pull on for support through this time. It indeed was an extremely dark time in my life.

But the body, like when you get a cut or burn, wants to heal itself. It always wants to heal itself. But it seemed like so much to recover from, where would I start, how would I get back to any semblance of joy--especially when everything felt like too much? I had to do it in little bits, meaning I had to let go of the idea that I would take care of everything in one fell swoop. I focused on little things like: "today I will go to therapy"; "today I will drink water". For a while, it really had to be that small. And everyday rolled into another; somedays were good, and some days were very tearful. And I just kept at it. Kept going to therapy. Kept watching comedies. Kept resting. Kept crying. Kept hurting. Kept drinking water. Kept trying. Kept asking for support when I needed it. Kept dreaming. Kept questioning. Kept cleaning. Kept writing. Kept working. Kept quiet. Kept to myself, until I got here.

Here is the butterfly breaking through the chrysalis. The time it takes to get through what the "night" has been about. Cracking the shell, and coming out different than you went in. Looking different, having a different skill set, and having a different function in society. Here is a gift. Because here, I understand my limitations, but I also understand my strengths and gifts. I can readily accept that there are things and people that I don't understand, and don't always need to now. That. is. huge.

I am grateful for this reboot, it's got me back in the kitchen; I'm making and experimenting with goodness. Feeding myself fresh food, good food, full of nutrients. My body appreciates it. My mind appreciates it. My heart appreciates it. This is why the reboot is so good, and came exactly when I needed it. I am deeply grateful.